I tend to live in a sea of worry. I’ve always been like this. When I was little, I’d stress out so much that I didn’t make an A on a test that I’d spend the week praying and sweating and not sleeping until the signed paper folders went home. As I’ve grown up it’s gotten a little worse. Ok, a lot worse. When you ‘grow up’, life gets harder. That’s just a given. You take on responsibility. You look after yourself, your job, your house, your pets…. worry, worry, worry.
It consumes me. Sometimes when I go to the movies, I spend an entire two hours worrying about whether or not I turned the stove off or unplugged my straightener, and I don’t pay attention to the movie at all. Even though I have a routine to check that everything is off before I leave. And I check at least twice.
But I have also been worrying about bigger things as well.
– What if I don’t get a job when I graduate? I am an education major graduating in December. The middle of the school-year. What if no one goes on maternity leave or moves in the middle of the year? What if there are vacancies, but I don’t get hired? I’ve got student loans to start paying off and medical bills I am so very far behind on. I know I will need a job.
– What if my credit is too bad to get a place of my own? Through circumstances too personal and bad to discuss on my blog, my family has no insurance. When I was hospitalized for 10 days, all I could think was, “I’m never going to pay this off.” Six doctors, a hospital, and months of doctor’s visits later, and I know my credit is screwed. I can’t do anything about it, either.
What if I am single forever? We’re being honest here, right? So even if this seems like a silly question, it is on my heart. I feel that God created me to be a wife and a mother. I have a heart that loves to love and nurture. I haven’t been on a date in three years. It can all be very discouraging sometimes.
But you know what? God is there. God listens. God invites us to trust Him. And He provides. One question that has been pestering me lately is this: How am I ever going to afford a car? I was prepared to ride a bike to my student-teaching school all semester. But I was terrified of what would happen upon graduation. If I don’t have transportation, I can’t apply very far for jobs. I have had to borrow my mom’s car the past two years, and I’m very grateful. But sometimes we need it at the same time. I’m almost 24 and I have never had a car of my own. Worry was consuming me over this situation, and then I received a phone call.
A friend, one in whom I see Christ’s heart every time I am around her or read something she has written, called to tell me she had gotten a new car. She then offered me her old car. No cost. Nothing. There is a problem with the axel, but the cost of getting it fixed shouldn’t cost me very much. Especially not as much as buying or financing my own car would be. She said the Lord laid it on her heart to call me, and I’m picking it up Tuesday evening.
After she called, I just sat in my brother’s car (who has also been very kind in letting me borrow it all summer) and cried. God provides. It was all I could think of. I had been worrying about this problem for almost a year now, when He had it worked out all along. I felt kind of stupid for being so wrapped up in my own doubt. And the other things just seemed to fall into place. If He didn’t want me to be a teacher, He wouldn’t have blessed me with the scholarships and means to go to a great school. He’s going to give me a job and a place to live in His timing. If it’s His plan, He’s going to bless me with a wonderful husband one day. But right now, I have all I need.
God provides, y’all. He does. And He always will.
It’s going to be hard not to revert back to my worry. I feel like it’s a big part of my human nature. But God says, “Cast your burdens on Jesus because He cares for you.” Why can I give my worries to Him? Because He loves me. And that’s enough provision in and of itself. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.